2017 Week 12: It’s Getting Hot and Heavy

Introduction

One more week to prove yourself. People that are in: myself, Trevor, Hunter and Willis. People on the cusp: the entire Pappy Van Winkle division, Matt, and Basil. This last week is going to be INSANE, and it’s all thanks to the fact that if you win your division, you are in. The three-team divisions have really made this crazy, although I believe they need some revisions going forward. I only have two thoughts so far, and they include separating the top two teams/bottom two teams from the previous year and playoff reseeding.

In all honestly, we might as well try out three divisions, where the top three division leaders get in as well as the next best three. Middle group between the classic two divisions, where the divisions didn’t really matter at all, and the four divisions, where the division mattered the absolute most. Let me know what y’all think in the comments.

On to something else that has recently come up. Trevor was bitching yesterday about a trade that was conducted between us, where he got Lamar Miller and a 4th rounder and I got Melvin. In my text, I wrote that if the trade went through, I would have only 3 good players, and would have to wait until the 6th round to fill our the rest of my roster, which is true. This was extremely scary and honestly I was just trying to set myself up for the future where I would keep Zeke, AJ, and Melvin and not waste any picks. I truthfully didn’t expect this season to go well, especially knowing that Zeke was probably going to get suspended. After my explanation, Trevor wrote: “I’m falling for it”, clearly indicating that he was very interested in this trade. Jokingly, I added: “I’ll even throw my first game against you”.

Trevor has two options: either A) he takes this as the joke that it was meant to be (I have always maintained the stance that if you purposefully throw a game you will be kicked out of the league), or B) he bitches about this in WEEK 12 OUT OF THE BLUE. So yeah, option B. Guess it’s that time of the month for him.

So Trevor, lets revisit week 2 where we played. The final score was 113.10 to 63.96. Even if I had tried to throw the game against you, I still would have won. This was the worst lineup I could have played:

  • Subbing out Cousins for Dalton would have dropped me 10.52 points.
  • Subbing out AJ for Brandon Marshall would have dropped me 10.50 points.
  • Subbing out Zeke for Darkwa would have dropped me 12.10 points.
  • Subbing out Melvin for Alvin would have dropped me 3.70 points.
  • Subbing out Witten for Eifert would have dropped me 0.30 points.
  • Fuck it, subbing out Sanu for Coleman WHO WAS ON IR would have dropped me 8.80 points.

Add all of this up and the final score would have been 67.18 to 63.96. Despite playing two injured players, benching my keepers and playing the red rocket over Cousins, I would have beaten you by a comfortable 4 points. And fine, lets say I actually tried to throw the game but didn’t want other people to know, what would happen then? I wouldn’t have played the two injured people and I would have had to play at least one of my keepers. The same beatdown would have happened because your team was horrible. Want to keep bitching, bitch? I can keep going on.

It’s not my fault that I have had a record year finding people late in the draft or on waivers. Kamara, picked in the last round, is the 3rd highest scoring fantasy RB so far. Prater, picked in the last round, is the 4th highest scoring fantasy kicker so far. Engram, picked up on waivers, is the 5th highest scoring fantasy TE so far. Kirk, picked in the 6th round, is the 5th highest scoring fantasy QB so far. Baltimore, picked up on waivers, is the 2nd highest scoring fantasy D so far. My value has been found in late round or on the waiver, which is clearly not where you found your talent.

In our trade, you ate my glorious 4th round pick and puked out the trash bag Allen Robinson. Sure, he got hurt and yeah, thats rough, but you had to see from the beginning that his numbers keep dropping from season to season, mainly because he is in an anemic offense and he draws all the double teams. You don’t get to bitch about your poor decisions.

And why even are you bitching? You have already clinched a playoff spot, Lamar Miller has been great for you this year so it’s not like our trade was that bad for you, you have swindled Chaz, Ean, and Jared in trades, and have the second most points in the league despite Watson getting injured. Leave the bitching to the teams that have been unlucky and focus on beating me next week, which will probably happen.

(I went overboard, but it was too tempting. Love ya Token).

In other news, no games were close this week. I blame Erdogan.

Recaps

SIN-CLAIRR!!!! vs. Hairy Palmers

Kamara was just too much. This was a lot closer than the outcome indicated, especially after 3/4 of my Thursday night players underachieved and Ean’s early Sunday players played well. It was when Ean had to rely on Baldwin, Fitzgerald and Hyde in the later games that it was over, but even if he had his optimal lineup playing, he still wouldn’t have won. I benefitted from solid, not stellar play from all of my players except Engram (who now has the dropsies) and Kamara (who fucking form-hurdled a dude just for the fuck of it). I’m excited to get Corey Coleman back, but if Josh Gordon plays anything like he did several years ago Coleman won’t even be looked at. Ean’s only decent output from his starters was from Rex Burkhead, who overtook Gillislee for Bill’s goal-to-go back. Sammy Watkins (on his bench) played really well, and the other 2 quarterbacks on his bench that are healthy both played really well. I just wouldn’t trust either of them. Thankfully Ean isn’t out of the playoffs just yet, as he needs to punish Sam next week and also needs Sawyer to lose to lose to Ross (maybe a favor from the times Ross has obliterated you?).


Turd Ferguson vs. You Feel Lucky Punk?

Julio was way too much. Playoff Willis is a thing, and he’s starting to come into his own. After starting out 2-3 and scoring less than 67 points three times, he is now 4-1 in the last five weeks. We knew the names on this team are scary, but with Julio, Ajayi, and Cooks underachieving, Willis hasn’t been himself. Now, he’s one of the teams I really don’t want to face. Hunt won’t score 2.6 points every week and Ajayi will get plenty more touches because the Iggles will keep blowing out people. But if those things don’t happen, not to worry because Julio could explode, Graham is the only redzone target Russel Wilson looks at, Goff is leading an explosive Rams team, and he throws a lot to Kupp, who is also on Willis’ roster. I mean, Julio doesn’t even need Matt Ryan to throw him balls! I sympathize with Matt, who would have easily won if it weren’t for Julio. He had a decent week with Rudolph grabbing a pair of TDs, Gurley racking up the yards, and Perine becoming the lead back in Wershington. Hopkins continues to put up points regardless of the QB throwing and Mike Evans did pretty well considering Fitzpatrick is throwing his way.The question mark for Matt is who is he going to play? Does he risk benching AP and TY, historically two of the biggest fantasy threats in the league? Does he risk playing someone like Jamaal Williams, an unproven rookie out of BYU who has only had a couple of good games? Whatever Matt decides, he needs to really think about it because his playoff hopes are in danger. Godspeed, good sir.


It’s Frommplicated vs. Grab Em By The Percy

Antonio brown was too much. Chaz had a great day, especially from Keenan Allen who destroyed the Cowboys’ non-existent secondary, and Alshon Jeffrey, who is thriving in the league’s best offense. Washington D did work and Matt Ryan didn’t suck. It clearly hurt leaving Robby Anderson on the bench, but I get it, he’s on the Jets. However, look at his last five weeks and you’ll see McCown’s confidence in him grow steadily. The rough patch of this team this week was in the RB position, where the usually reliable Shady McCoy was average, and CJ and Jerrick didn’t do much of anything. However, Chaz technically isn’t out of the playoffs just yet, but he needs a lot of things to happen next week to get in. Coming off of four straight weeks of scoring in the 60s and 70s, Hunter now has back to back weeks putting up over 100 points, and it couldn’t come at a more perfect time. Pittsburgh is rolling, which means Bell and Brown are getting muy mucho points and Marshawn put in work against arguably the best D-line in the NFL. That’s really all he needed. Brees underwhelmed, having a Miami WR starting is never good, and the bad parts of Pittsburgh (K/D) didn’t really help that much. Hunter shouldn’t be too worried because he has plenty of viable bench players and he has clinched a playoffspot, so go ahead and unclinch your butthole.


Premature Punishment vs. Excel-sior

Sam just continues to make things interesting doesn’t he? After starting the year 2-4 and not being close to the 6-0 team in his same division (and apparently complaining all the time according to Matt), he has now won 3 of his last 4, putting up over 100 points in each of the wins and is one week away from one of the most epic turnarounds in our league’s short history. How? Well having the GOAT on your team helps, as well as patiently waiting for Joe Mixon to turn into everything every fantasy “guru” thought he was going to be (and constantly complaining about it along the way). And sure, putting up 29 points between your K/D is pretty rad too. The hard part, like Matt, is deciding who to play. Either Marvin or Golden could go off every week, but you wouldn’t start both of them, right? Same thing with Marlon and Frank. It’s one of the better things to deal with but we all know what happens with too much stinker-tinker time. Sawyer’s slide continues, but despite losing his last six games after winning his first six games, he still could make the playoffs. All he needs is to win, for Ean to beat Sam, and for him to make up the difference in points from Ean. I’m telling you, its possible. I don’t know what it is about his team, but it seems like a lot of them have given up lately (excluding Cam). Diggs is nowhere near where he was at the beginning of the season, same with Jordan Howard, he can’t rely on Doug Martin (it sucked that he had to leave the game), and most of his receivers are just unreliable. It has to be good to finally see Hunter Henry play well and to not worry about K/D, but the difference makers that should be there just aren’t showing up. We expected DJ to be back at this point, but even that didn’t happen. Despite all the negatives, only one week matters now. Have one good week, have a couple of other things go your way, and you are in.


’99 Bills vs. LeVeon a Prayer

Not gonna lie, I was a little confused about the name change. Not only did the 1999 Bills lose in the AFC Wildcard, that specific game was given a name, meaning they lost in spectacular fashion. Sure they had one of the best defenses in the league that year, but maybe Token can explain a little bit more in the comments if he stops bitching for a second. In other news, his team is good. Really good. Tevin Coleman will take a step back next week with Freeman coming back, but boy did he make an impression this week going for 100 yards and a couple of scores. Gronk put up the same numbers, bouncing back from some sub-par weeks to deliver an 82 and 2 stat line. Elsewhere, Funchess, Adams and Miller all exceeded expectations, and it had to be good to see Miller keep playing after being injured earlier in the game. The good news for everyone else? His bench is desolate, with Montgomery and Benjamin dealing with injuries and Crabtree getting suspended for acting like a thug. It sucks that we are going to play each other next week and then probably the second week of the playoffs, but at this point I’m just hoping he doesn’t put up over 100 points like he has done in 7 games already this season. Ross’ woes continue, with every player except for Philadelphia D and Russel Wilson going under their projected points, and three players getting under 2 points. Dez and Demaryius have to be the biggest underachieving keepers in the league, and having three players out on your bench gives you no room to choose who you play. The even sadder part is that the other half of the bench outperformed the starters, and those aren’t the players I would choose to start anyway. He can alter the playoff picture next week if he so chooses in a season finale against Sawyer. It just depends on if he cares or if he just wants this season to be over (or if he gets bribed by Ean).


DeMarco Polo vs. TexasSucks

Aaaaaaaaaaand Basil is back. It must have been really hard to pretend Texas is the best country in the world, and even harder to go along with it for most of the season, but now that he has shown his true colors, will his team get to the playoffs and roll right through? He needs to win next week against Willis, a tall task, as well as some other things, but its doable. Especially if Wentz keeps playing like he has been, if Crowder keeps putting the Skins on his back (140 and 1, jeez), and if Delanie Walker continues to be a deep threat. Shit, I have been harping on his RBs all season, but if everyone else can make up for them like this week, he’ll be sitting pretty. The problem is that his bench is rough. He needs Will Fuller to get healthy and wait, is Rodgers already throwing 50 yards bombs? Can he just go ahead and suit up so that both him and Jordy can get a boost? Sorry to tease, I know its hard to see Jordy fail to 40 yards in the past 4 weeks, but he has plenty of receivers to step in. On the other side, I know if must hurt to see the Cowboys players just crumble because it’s killing me. Dak hasn’t been the same without Zeke (one of the best blockers in the league), and that’s affecting all of his receivers including Beasley. However, Ertz had a great game, DeMarco got into the endzone, Justin Tucker was back nailing 50 yarders, Seattle D did a great job considering they probably have 2 people healthy. Do me a favor and just don’t look at his bench. Its been a rough year for Jared, but like Ross, he can cause some playoff havoc.


EZM's Power Rankings:

  1. Turd Ferguson
  2. SIN-CLAIRR!!!!
  3. Excel-sior
  4. Grab Em By The Percy
  5. You Feel Lucky Punk?
  6. TexasSucks
  7. It's Frommplicated
  8. Premature Punishment
  9. Hairy Palmers
  10. DeMarco Polo
  11. LeVeon a Prayer
  12. Bitch Token

Questions From Last Week

  1. 1/3 of an octopus.
  2. You have to bring it to a boil and then add the cream cheese, not the other way around.
  3. For matrix assisted laster desorption/ionization, definitely a-cyano-4-hydroxycinnamic acid. If it’s not low molecular weight, 2-5-dihydroxybenzoic acid.
  4. I’d take Musk, for the sole fact that I think Zuck would put too much effort in the social media aspects of his robot instead of its weapons.
  5. Potentially. She’d have to fake her own death, convince Napoleon that it was really Buck’s fault, and then steal the Miata when they aren’t looking. I think Pit-Master Fresh would put a real “wrench” in that plan if you know what I mean haha
  6. BONUS: That’s a really fucked up question Sawyer, shame on you. If I had to answer, Paula Poundstone but no dick cheese and only 2 mice. Ugh, makes my skin crawl. Fuck you Sawyer for thinking of that.

Questions For This Week

  1. WHO THE
  2. FUCK IS
  3. MAKING THE
  4. MOTHERFUCKING
  5. PLAYOFFS
  6. BONUS: BITCHHHHHH????

Final Thoughts

Care to go back to my preseason rankings? If you are within 3 spots of my prediction, I’m considering that a good prediction. Here they are:

  1. Matt (currently 7)
  2. Willis (currently 3)
  3. Trevor (currently 5, but should be #2)
  4. Majors (currently 1)
  5. Ross (currently 11)
  6. Sawyer (currently 8)
  7. Chaz (currently 9)
  8. Sam (currently 4)
  9. Ean (currently 10)
  10. Hunter (currently 2)
  11. Basil (currently 6)
  12. Jared (currently 12)

I’m pretty proud of myself. Got Willis, Trevor, myself, Sawyer, Chaz, Ean, and Jared pretty damn close.